Ape Kills Cat
an orangutan kills a tabby cat in a zoo, while a news reporter reports them as freinds
Rating: 
The Dangers Of Being A TV News Reporter
Compilation Reel
Source: http://gawker.com/377201/the-dangers-of-being-a-television-news-reporter
Rating:
Best of Funny Pet News - Sexy Situations
Here are clips from the Funny Pet News.
Rating:
Funny Pet News #13 - Stewie Griffin From Family Guy Drops In
Catch our special guest, Stewie Griffin from Family Guy….We know what you’re thinking, “wow, those hosts, Beth Hoyt and Laura Valpey are SO hilarious and witty.” Well, yes, that’s true, but the trick is, these stories are REAL pet news stories. Gosh, it practically writes itself.
This episode:
Stewie Drops In
Burnin’ Down the House
For Cryin out Loud
Cold Hearted Snake
Doggy Paddle
Rooster Off the Roster
Rating:
Funny Pet News #3- A Voting Dog, Horse Sushi, Canine Drives
This is Zootoo.com’s program dedicated to Pet News.
Watch as Laura and Beth bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.
This episode;
Voting Dog
Horse Sushi
Kept Alive by Rabbit and Horse Blood
Ace Sniffer Dogs Fired
Kitten Rescued from Sewer Drain
Canine Behind the Wheel
Show transcript;
BETH: A Voting Dog, Horse Sushi, and a Canine behind the wheel! Today, on Zootoo News.
BETH: Real Pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.
LAURA: Because when things get catty, it’s a good thing.
Story 1
LAURA: Jane Balogh of Federal Way, Washington
could face felony charges because she registered her Australian shepherd-terrier mix, Duncan, to vote.
She said she did this to make a point that Washington’s voting requirements are too lax.
In the prior 3 elections, she sent in bogus ballots and even signed the dog’s voter registration card with a paw print.
Wow, I can’t believe it took authorities so long to catch this.
Duncan’s not even American!
Story 2
BETH: Due to shortages of tuna in Japan, sushi chefs are now contemplating horse meat.
A tuna scare in 1973 forced sushi chefs to find other red-colored substitutes like raw horse.
One Tokyo restaurant owner says worse comes to worse, they will use the surprisingly tasty horse meat once again.
LAURA: You mean Sea Horse, right?
BETH: No. Horse Horse.
Sushi picture receives horse tail.
Both girls lean over and “vomit”.
Story 3
BETH: A seriously ill teenager is being kept alive by horse and rabbit blood.
Cara Heaney was diagnosed with a rare illness called aplastic anaemia.
She is now receiving transfusions of Horse antibodies and rabbit blood products to fighting off bone-marrow failure.
Her mother said: “Without this treatment Cara would not be alive today.”
When asked if she feels differently after these transfusions, 14 year old Cara said “Nay!”
LAURA: [Wow. Pretty good.] You do any other horse impressions?
BETH: slaps. Blows lips. Stops.
LAURA: Anything else?
BETH: Nay.
Story 4
LAURA: Two street mutts who became ace sniffer dogs at a Thailand airport have been fired for
urinating on luggage and
sexually harassing female passengers.
Apparently, so many passengers complained about their lewd behavior they had to be fired.
BETH: Come on, can you blame them? I mean, did you see those skirts they were wearing!?
LAURA: I’m not saying they were asking for it, but…
Story 5
LAURA: A gray tabby kitten, trapped in a storm sewer drain in West Verginia,
finally climbed out after 250 gallons of water were pumped into the drain.
On the scene of the rescue were 2 firetrucks, 5 firefighters, and several animal rescuers.
Geez, that’s a lot of men to get excited over one wet pussy…
BOTH: …cat.
Story 6
BETH: In Idaho, a black lab named Charlie drove a car into the river,
while his owner was running in for a pizza.
Somehow the dog got the car in neutral and coasted straight into the water,
jumping out before it sank.
BETH: Be careful on the road — watch out for driving dogs and Paris Hilton!
LAURA: Yeah!, and now he’s charged with a D.U.I. — Doggie Under Influence!
BETH: Yeah! And you can bet the punishment will be Ruff!
LAURA: Charlie’s owner should have taught him to put the car in Bark!
And they laugh and laugh.
Have text appear — Thanks for watching Zootoo News. Real Pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction. (As if we can’t say it cause we are laughing too hard).
Rating:
Funny Pet News #10 - Hooters for Neuters, Dick Van Dog
We know what you’re thinking, “wow, those hosts, Beth Hoyt and Laura Valpey are SO hilarious and witty.” Well, yes, that’s true, but the trick is, these stories are REAL pet news stories. Gosh, it practically writes itself. In this episode:
•Bear-ly a Safari
•Hooters: Great, Big Heaving Philanthropists
•GatorAid
•Russian To The Grave
•MOSCOW CABLE COMMERCIAL
•Monkey See, Monkey See Better
•Camel-Woe
•Starring Dick Van Dog
•NEXT WEEK?
Rating:
Funny Pet News #7 Winner Wiener, Monkey Mullet, Horse Testis
This is Zootoo dot com’s program dedicated to Funny Pet News.
Watch as Laura Valpey and Beth Hoyt bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.
This episode;
The Winning Wiener
Bulldog Ruins Marriage
A Bear-able Pet
The Monkey Mullet
Macavity The Mystery Cat
Horse Testicle
Rating:
Funny Pet News #2 Dog Viagra, Illegal Monkey, Ostrich Libido
This is Zootoo.com’s program dedicated to Pet News.
Watch as Laura and Beth bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.
This episode;
Dog Returns Home After 7 years Missing
Blue Pill Keeps Dog Alive
81 Year Old Woman Hospitalized For Bites
Illegal Pet Monkey
Arrested For Making Faces
Ostrich’s Lost Libido
Show Transcript;
LAURA: Doggie Viagra, an Illegal Pet Monkey, an Ostrich’s lost libido, and more.
BETH: All here, at Zootoo News. Real Pet News that proves the Truth is Stranger than Fiction.
WHOOGITY: Beth Hoyt …. Laura Valpey … Zootoo News …
Because we are more concerned with who’s feeding Tinkerbell than what Paris is NOT eating.
BETH: Hi, I’m Beth Hoyt.
LAURA: And I’m Laura Valpey. First up today:
Story 1
LAURA: A dog that went missing seven years ago has returned home, to the open arms of the Correy family in Arizona. Everyone is happy about Jewel’s return, except for the Correy’s new-er dog, Jade. Apparently, Jewel and Jade have been fighting ever since.
(With dog barking images/video)
BETH: Woof Woof!
LAURA: WOOF!
BETH: They love me more than you! They didn’t even come looking for you!
LAURA: Oh yeah? Well … You’re adopted!
BETH: gasp.
Story 2
BETH: Ingrid, a pit bull mix living at a long island shelter, needs love, and a lot of Viagra.
Ingrid was near death from heart worms when they discovered that Viagra opened her blood vessels. She needs a $10 pill every day for the rest of her life to stay alive. The shelter says we can help, if we all donate one pill for Ingrid.
Also accepting a Viagra pill a day:
Picture of old man.
Bob.
Story 3
BETH: An 81 year old woman was hospitalized for bites — no wonder!—At her home in suburban Wilmington, animal control officers found about 120 rats, 25 rabbits, six parakeets, a dog, a quail and a cockatiel.
This woman’s house reminds me of somewhere …. Oh yeah. A zoo!
Story 4
LAURA: A woman’s pet monkey was seized last month because of a newly enacted “no wildlife as pets” law.
The woman plans to appeal, and while the case is pending, the monkey will remain at a Wildlife Preserve and Zoo.
Beth makes monkey face.
LAURA: Sorry, Beth. I guess you’ve gotta go.
Story 5
LAURA: A prosecutor has dropped charges against a woman who was arrested for staring at and making faces at a police dog in a taunting and harassing manner.
The woman claims she could not help it. This is her driver’s license picture.
Insert pic of crazy woman.
Story 6
BETH: In Germany, Gustav the Ostrich has lost his sex drive! Gustav’s owner said the previously lustful Ostrich has become apathetic and depressed and has been unable to perform with his 2 breeding partners for half of a year. The owner blames noisy firecrackers as the cause of the bird’s impotence.
Change of position, etc, to make this seem like new story:
Also! Accepting your donations of one Viagra pill a day: Gustav!
Fireworks!!!!
LAURA: That’s all for today on Zootoo News. Join us next week for more.
Rating:
Funny Pet News #8 - Dog with a Heart On, Double Nose Dog
This is Zootoo’s program dedicated to Funny Pet News.
Watch as Laura Valpey and Beth Hoyt bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.
This episode;
To Steal a Mockingbird
Hello (Hermaphrodite-ish) Kitty
Dog With a Heart On
Insensitivity Training
Cute Moment!
Twice As Nice
Gender Bend It Like Beckham
Kitten Car-Boodle
Rating:
Funny Pet News #6- Doggie Whores, Knut, Cat Predicts Death
This is Zootoo.com’s program dedicated to Funny Pet News.
Watch as Beth Hoyt and Laura Valpey bring you real pet news that proves the truth is stranger than fiction.
This episode;
Killer Cat
Lavish Pet Funeral
Cute Knut Children’s Book
Rat Land Mine Detector
Missing Boa Constrictor
Cops Kill Pig
Dog Whores
Attempted K-9 Robbery
Show transcript;
BETH: A Grim Reaper Cat, Knut!, and Doggy Rentals … All true pet stories, on Zootoo News.
1.) LAURA:
Oscar the cat, who lives in a nursing home in Providence, Rhode Island seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when patients are about to die. The cat seems to always curl up next to patients before they pass away. One thing Oscar will never hear? “Heeeeerre kitty kitty …”
2.) LAURA:
A funeral home in China recently received a big contract, preparing a 2 day, $13,000 funeral for a widower’s only companion, his dog. Locals complained that the lavish pet funeral was unnecessary. But would you want to be the guy who’s dog funeral didn’t have an open bar?
4.) BETH:
Knut the very popular polar bear that resides in the Berlin Zoo has a new 44-page children’s book out about him. When asked if the Harry Potter series will interfere with its sales, Knut’s trainer said “No, because at the end of Harry Potter, everyone was surprised when beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeP, but that won’t happen at the end of Knut’s 7th book.
5.) LAURA
Columbian police have begun a new program, training rats to detect explosives in minefields. In order to teach them to be less skiddish on the fields, the rodents are locked in cages with cats, which helps them overcome their fear of possible predators.
The next goal: help them overcome their fear of getting blown up.
6.) LAURA:
Dana Shields’ pet boa constrictor is missing near a Memphis golf course. The owner says she named the snake Fluffy so people would be less fearful of him. Which sounds nice, until you realize he was named after his last meal.
Beth: marshmallow pie thought
Laura: No. Fluffy dog joke.
7.) BETH:
The Jones family is furious with their local sheriff’s department in Georgia, after a deputy shot and killed their pet pig, Gator, when he wandered onto a neighbor’s property.
There is more controversy to this story, as the Jones’ reported that Gator weighed 90lbs, but the sheriff’s office estimated the pig weighed 200 lbs. After hearing this the Jones’ said, “first you kill our pig, now you call him fat!”
8.) BETH:
And now, the latest in canine convenience — a California company that contracts out dogs by the day.
Marlena Cervantes, founder of FlexPetz, bristles when people refer to her five-month-old business as a rent-a-pet service. She prefers the term ‘’shared pet ownership”, saying “our members realize they can’t care for a pet full-time.”
Laura: Sounds perfect for those commitment phobe guys. (immediately realizes mistake, looks at beth) Sorry, Be—
Beth: Yeah, so they’ll know what it feels like to be taken out for a day, made to feel special, and then never called on again.
9.) LAURA:
Three criminals attempted to rob a K-9 unit training facility in Gainesville, Georgia. A sergeant on the scene said “for anyone to run from a whole unit of canines, it’s just a no win situation.”
Signs outside the training facility warn: “Caution! Gainesville Police Department K-9 Training Facility! Keep Out!” Which proves that even if you’re planning on becoming a criminal, you need to learn to read.
“Beware of Dog”
“Caution Keep Out!”
“Seriously. Big Dogs Ahead.”
“Dude. You’re Going to Get Bit”
“You Should Have Learned To Read”
Picture of Big dog
Picture of it biting a man
Picture of a hand pointing at the person looking at it.
Rating:
